When you suffer from a miscarriage you discover this tornado of emotions. You expect to be sad, hurt, angry, and confused. What you don’t expect is to cry at the sight of baby items. You don’t expect to cry when your best friend just had a beautiful baby, but that’s kind of what happens. There’s this unexpected pain of a miscarriage and not only does it suck but it makes this more complicated.
I didn’t know this pain would come. A good friend of mine just had a beautiful baby girl and while on Facebook I saw a photo of her and her daddy and I just cried. Not because I’m not happy for my friend, but because I am sad for myself and my son. I am beyond happy for her. She has the most beautiful little girls ever, but for me, I am reminded of my loss.
The tornado of emotions is already a lot. Acknowledging that you just lost a child is a lot. Knowing you won’t ever be able to hold them, watch them grow and feel their touch is a lot. But now, almost anything baby related just makes you want to cry. This unexpected pain of a miscarriage is just horrible and really unfair.
I mean, how much do we have to go through. Isn’t the tornado of emotions enough? Apparently not. Because the sight of an adorable fresh baby just makes you cry. The sight of a sonogram, a onesie, even a pregnant woman makes you want to cry. These triggers can come and go as they please. I found out less than a week ago, and for the most part, I am okay. However, I have triggers. I went to this Baby Expo only 2 days after finding out I miscarried. I wasn’t going to go, but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity. I was fine for the most part. However, this one company had a product on display for the bath tub. It was an awesome product for sure, but they had these baby photos displayed. The one photo was from the birthing session and my heart hurt. I could feel the tears building up. I had to take a moment, turn away, and collect myself.
This Baby Expo was covered in baby items and pregnancy related items. I was fine with everything. I looked at the photographers work, the teething items, the adorable clothes and all. Even all the babies that were there, I was fine. However, this one photo did it for me. A simple and beautiful photo of a baby is what made me want to cry. Not the babies that were there, or all the baby items. Just one photo, on display, for a bath tub product, made me want to cry.
I’m having trouble sleeping through the night. I wake up with a broken heart in the middle of the night. I instantly want to rub my belly and just tell my baby it will all be okay. Then I am reminded, it won’t be. How can it be okay? I have a car seat sitting there, right in front of me. I just want the pain to end. My sweet baby will never know. She will never know the touch of a human, she will never know what it feels like to be smothered with kisses. I stare at this car seat knowing she will never know the adventures that awaited her.
A miscarriage is not the loss of a fetus, it is a loss of a child. I don’t care if you are 3 weeks, 6, weeks, or 11 weeks. A loss is a loss. I lost my sweet baby. She measured at 11 weeks and 1 day. I will always see that sonogram in my mind. Though I don’t have the actual photos, I will forever remember. I will forever remember her size and how tiny she was. I will always remember that she has arms and legs. She had a beating heart at one point. She was loved and will always be loved.
I won’t ever forget her. I know there will be days when I don’t think about her, but that doesn’t mean she is forgotten. It’s okay not to think about her. After a loss, we sometimes struggle with the fact that life goes on. I think thats why a big part of me went to the Baby Expo. My life can’t end. I still have to get myself up and keep moving forward. I will always have triggers and I can only hope one day they aren’t around as often. Not because I don’t want to remember, but because I don’t want to feel the pain.
Though there is the unexpected pain of a miscarriage, we have to keep on going. For me, I have my 9-year-old baby. Though he is hurting, he seems to be okay. He has moments where he too, just needs a hug because he is saddened. Though I will always have these triggers and though I hope one day they are not as frequent, I welcome them. I’m human and I feel. I will alway feel and I don’t want that to go away.
I’m that person that saves voicemails from my parents for one day they will be gone, and I will want to hear their voice. Creepy? Maybe, but for me, it’s comforting. My dad is well and alive but his voice makes me miss him and home to an entirely new level. Triggers are always going to be there. In any situation that is. Any loss, we will have triggers and it’s okay to have them.