As I sit here and write this my heart is broken as I have had a miscarriage. Being a parent is such a blessing and when your child is taken away from you, you feel all the feels you could possibly feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each of us grieves differently and I have to say this. Don’t let anyone tell you how you grieve is wrong.
I had my ultrasound and my baby was just so little. It’s so amazing to see our babies are such a tiny size. The tech stepped out for a few moments to speak to a doctor, which I knew something was up. She came back in and took a few more photos of my ovaries and such. However, she didn’t do the heartbeat and said she was going to take me to see the doctor.
I had no plans to see my doctor that day. I was only scheduled for an Ultrasound and Bloodwork. As I sat there waiting, I knew something was wrong. I became nervous. My heart was racing and I wanted to throw up.
I was in the room for about 20 minutes or so before my doctor came in. Where she explained the size of the baby but how there was no heartbeat. My heart sank. I had a miscarriage.
My son sat there in the chair while I listened to what she said when I just started crying. My son was confused and my heart was broken. I managed to get my thoughts together and stopped crying. I followed the doctor to get some information when my son looked at me and asked if we lost the baby.
It was that very moment that my heart shattered. I saw the tears run down my babies face and I couldn’t hold it together. I just lost it. My heart was broken for my own reason but to see my babies heart shatter like that, I lost it. I felt like I had just broken my babies heart.
As I am typing this, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since I’ve gotten the news. I am struggling with my feelings at the moment. It’s hard to figure out how I am feeling. One moment I am okay, then next I’m not.
I’m heartbroken. Being a mother is a great blessing and I am honored to take on such a blessing. I have always wanted more children and two years ago I had an abortion. I wasn’t in the best place when I got pregnant. I was in a bad place in life and I wasn’t ready to be a mother again. I needed to focus on Jaiden. Being told that the child you are carrying hearts stopped beating is soul crushing. I was at a loss and unsure how to process.
I’m angry! I am filled with so much anger. I mean why? Why did this happen? How did this happen? Was it the stress I was under? Was it the antibiotics I was on? Was it my store brand Tylenol? Is there something wrong with my body? Did I sleep on my stomach when I shouldn’t of? Was I not meant to be a mother again at this point? Am I being punished for something? I want to throw punches and scream at the tops of my lungs! There are a million things I want to know, but the reality is, I never will know why. And I have to learn to somehow be okay with the lack of not knowing.
Then there is a bit of relief. Which makes me feel horrible. However, I am a long way from home, my family is on the other side of the country. My boyfriend and I have been having some major issue. If he isn’t here for me now? How will he be here when I really need him? I can’t raise another child on my own. I managed to raise Jaiden and did pretty okay. However, I don’t think I could possibly do it again. It was extremely hard.
I joked. I am trying to be as positive as I can. Very few of my friends know how I am. I try to be positive in the worst situations. When chatting with a friend, I expressed my heart break but to help make myself feel better, I joked. Not about the loss of my child but I enjoyed a conversation with a friend where I was able to laugh and smile for a few moments and for me, that matter.
Grief is a horrible feeling. You go through a tornado of emotions and your not sure how to handle them or what to do with them. I’ll be fine for an hour and then all of a sudden a wave of emotions come over me and I just cry.
Though I haven’t been in this situation long, know this. You are not alone. It is okay for you to feel whatever it is you want to feel. And don’t feel bad if you are okay. If you are okay then you be okay. Don’t allow someone to make you feel bad because you’re not sobbing. You go through your emotions and you feel how you need to feel. Because it’s okay!
I’m sorry for my own loss and I’m sorry for yours. No one should ever have to go through such a horrible thing. Sadly the world isn’t fair. Take your time and grieve. And when you’re ready for life to go on, it will.
One day I will be okay, not today, maybe not tomorrow, and probably not the following, but one day I will be okay.
Having a miscarriage is something we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about. A lot of women have had a miscarriage at least once in their life. There is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. It’s okay to talk about. I’ve talked to my family and friends and today, I am talking to you, my readers. I will never know why even though I am still going to ask, but I don’t want to be afraid to talk about it or hide behind my feelings.
Writing is an outlet for me and this post is mid tears, feeling all the feelings one could feel with suffering a miscarriage. Just know, you are not alone.