2017 is here and I want to start the New Year off with something that has been sitting in my drafts for months. It’s A Mothers Choice.
Being a mom can be a tough job but its one of those jobs I love. When choosing to become a mother you have to consider everything. Sometimes it just might not be the right time. It may be the worst time in your life to become a mother. At the end of the day It’s a Mothers Choice. A choice she has to make and to do what is best for her.
We are all aware that abortion is a controversial topic so I ask that you be mindful of your comments. I am respectful of others feelings and opinions but if a comment is downright rude and hurtful, I will take action and remove it. So I do ask you be mindful of how you voice your thoughts.
I am 28-years-old and I am a mother to one amazing 8-year-old. I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I had my son. It was a hard choice for me to become a mother. How could I take care of a child when I was a child myself. Depression was and still is a big part of my life… I struggled a lot when I was younger and I wasn’t sure I could care for a child when I was struggling myself.
Becoming Jaiden’s mother was the best thing ever. I am thankful to have this little boy in my life and I wouldn’t change that for anything. However, for years I struggled with being his mother. I would cry myself to sleep because I thought he deserved someone better than me. I knew somewhere out there, there were parents who could love him and care for him more than me. Or so I thought.
There is something special about this little boy and I know he will do great things. He fills my heart with so much joy and love that it feels like it will just burst!
Then came a day…. Jaiden had just turned 7 and I was sitting at my desk staring at a stick that I just peed on…. I was pregnant. A wave of emotions came over me and I just couldn’t stop crying. I cried for a week, maybe longer. Millions of thoughts and questions ran through my mind.
I always wanted another child but was now the right time? Would I be able to do this?
Then there was Jaiden. I was barely surviving as it was and to add another child to the mix? How could I be so selfish? It wouldn’t have been fair to Jaiden if I had another child, not now anyways.
Abortion is a scary topic. It’s not something one considers lightly. You have to walk in those shoes to see know if it’s something you could or couldn’t do, I didn’t think I could do it. At the age of 26-years-old I had an abortion. This was not a choice I made lightly, it was not on a whim, it was the hardest decision I have ever made.
I was scared and felt alone. I wondered why I was here and in this situation. Why me and why now. I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason and as much as I don’t like to say this, I think this was something that was meant to happen in my life.
Even though I knew it was the right choice for me at the time, it is a choice I regret each and every day. Our lives would have been much harder and Jaiden would have suffered more because of a choice I had made. It would have been selfish for me to bring a child into the world when I struggled to care for the one I already had but I still regret it. I still wish I could turn back the hands of time and change my mind.
March 18th 2015. A piece of me died that day. I lost apart of me and I will never be the same. It’s a Mothers Choice. It was my choice. I made this choice knowing I would probably regret it later in life and I do. When I should be celebrating my birthday, I find myself crying because I should have a baby. I should have a one year old running around and I don’t…. because of a choice I made. A Mother’s Choice.
Sometimes I stare out into the universe and wonder why. I recall that day as if it was yesterday. There were couples who seemed as if they were okay being there, the girl who couldn’t stop crying, and me… Sitting there fiddling around with my thumbs. Questioning what I was doing and was this the right thing to do.
Ive had someone tell me I shouldn’t be crying because it was a choice I made. As if it was a choice I made lightly. Yes, it was a choice I made, but it was a choice I made where I was thinking about every aspect of my life. My lack of income, the child I was already struggling to care for, my living situation and everything else in-between. I have every right to cry, I have every right to feel the pain, I have every right to regret my choice even though it was a choice I made and thought was the right one.
Despite my tears and regrets, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything happens for a reason and I know if I had taken a different road I wouldn’t be where I am today. My life is still far from perfect but Jaiden and I are in a much better place.
Abortion is no easy choice and it is a choice only you can make.
Having an abortion, for me, was extremely hard. It was something I had said I would never do. The thing is though, you really don’t know what its like to make that kind of choice until you walk in those shoes. Im not going to sit here and break every detail down to you about my appointment, where I went or how it happened because all of those things are irrelevant.
The point of this post is to let you know, you are not alone. I am not the only woman to have had an abortion and I won’t be the last. Some are afraid and embarrassed to speak about it and others are more open. I chose to be more open, even if that means I cry and show my weakness. Even if that means being called horrible names and attacked. It was my choice. It was a choice I made for me and my son. It was a choice I knew was right at the time.
I am still sad. I will always be sad over a decision I made. I have that right. However, there is nothing I can do about that. I have to live with my choice and I do.
I know there are mixed feelings about this topic but I want you all to know, I am here with you. Maybe you are okay with your choice, maybe you regret it, maybe you regret it so much so you’ve become suicidal. Whatever it may be, I am here!
If your choice has pushed you over the edge, please seek medical attention.
March 18th is a day I light a Candle for Mia Paige.
It’s a Mother’s Choice.